spring pruning...

April gloom brings May blooms?

APRIL RECAP:

The horrors persist. So do the joys.

Wins:

• The weather is up! The sun is OUT. There is no limit to the amount of coffee I have consumed.

• I tore through The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo, which I bought used from my fave bookstore (I’m finally in the stage of settling in where I can call local things mine). SO GOOD, and the used copy was only nine dollars, thus an addiction to used books was born.

• I bought a new pair of glasses that make me look smarter and more serious.

• My friends and I helped our friend get ready for a date. She left us in her apartment, so we drank palomas (new drink unlocked) and had the most fulfilling four-hour girl yapp.

• I was told I talk about my friends like they’re gods (they are).

• My friends were raving about a crème brûlée pie at a restaurant we got turned away from. I sneakily doubled back, bought them each a slice, and surprised them with it. They called me a witch.

• I bought a rug and a coat rack! The only things my apartment is missing now are a coffee table, art, and some more forks.

• Grapenut ice cream. Try it and get back to me.

• I went to a Bingo night, didn’t win anything except for a new addiction to bingo.

• Saw the Minecraft movie and Snow White with my friends. We didn’t have high hopes for either one, but we always enjoy the theater experience together.

• I saw SINNERS three times! Main takeaway: the human spirit prevails. Please (!) send me your thoughts if you’ve seen it.

• I fessed up to a crush and lived to tell the tale.

• I drink matcha now thanks to my barista friend!

• Went to Red Rooster twice! Great food and better company.

• I attended a zine workshop with my sunshine friend, hosted by a Palestinian artist. It was so refreshing to sit, yapp, get crafty. I made a little zine called “the A,” now proudly displayed on my kitchen counter.

• Made a new friend and talked about philosophy for ten hours.

• Went out with my friends and woke up next to a box of Popeye’s chicken tenders as evidence (I was completely sober as I always am). Unfortunately, I didn’t beat the social anxiety that night, but anytime I step into a club is a win for me.

• Fell asleep on the phone with my friends multiple times like we’re in middle school.

• My coworker bought me my first slice of Artichoke pizza!

• I hung out with a friend a couple of nights before she left the country for school. We had a tres leches cake, wine, palomas, and we alleviated her of some books. I snagged Intermezzo by Sally Rooney! It was a lovely night all around.

• I caught up with a friend from high school who is also in NYC. We browsed used books and laughed at how I used to be addicted to apple juice. We think the cashier was a ghost.

• My good friend put on a benefit concert. The event was amazing, and she amazes me. I discovered a new artist, reconnected with some folks, and drank a twenty-dollar Moscow mule.

• I got pulled into a super fun work project because folks were stuck. I contributed a few good words and loved the chance to work with a cool colleague.

Losses:

• Con Edison has all my money. I’ve run out of stress for money at this point.

• Lost my philosophy friend. It was my fault.

• I hate social anxiety so bad. It has bested me more times than not this month.

• I deleted every single social media app in a fit of unproductivity. I am now viceless and boring.

• I’ve had a frighteningly low ratio of good hair days to bad hair days.

• I ran my credit card right back up. I’ll try again next month.

• Sometimes I feel like someone working for the universe has been sleeping on the job, and when they snap to it, they give me a month’s worth of bad luck all at once. Such a day was April 23rd.

• Had to scrap another work project.

Lessons:

• Love transforms.

• Date your friends!

• Closed mouths don’t get fed.

• Take note of the people who pull you out of you.

• Get things out. Do it as a habit. As a rule, even.

• Something is fulfilling about not choosing convenience. Having a tight budget sucks but as a result, I’m walking more, cooking more, shopping slower, and overall finding more value in everything.

• Living is hard, isolation is easy. Be more mindful of the things that only feel right because they require nothing of you.

• The way you treat yourself teaches others how they can treat you.

Quotes:

• “The sun will rise and we will try again.”

• Nikki Giovanni, “Style has a profound meaning to Black Americans. If we can’t drive, we will invent walks and the world will envy the dexterity of our feet. If we can’t have ham, we will boil chitterlings; if we are given rotten peaches, we will make cobblers; if given scraps, we will make quilts; take away our drums, and we will clap our hands. We prove the human spirit will prevail. We will take what we have to make what we need. We need confidence in our knowledge of who we are.”

Links and things:

• This podcast convinced me that I’m normal and things will be ok: No friends is fine - EP 47 // Pretty Lonesome With Madeline Argy.

• Read, “The Birds Wrote Me a Poem” by Andrea Gibson, which has also convinced me that things will be ok. I even fell asleep to the recording of it one night.

• If too much silence and too much noise are equally distracting to you, tune into this playlist of pop piano covers.

• Jessie Reyez’s latest album is positively human. I’m seeing her in July!

A note to me one month from now:

See the sun more. Sit up straight. Spend a little less money—it’s not as hard as you make it out to be. Read and write every day. Keep a pen and paper on you at all times. Write when it’s loud, write when it’s silent. Write in the middle of things, in the morning, in spare moments. Write when your inspiration is deafening and when it’s barely a whisper. Rejoice after the storm, and sing through it just the same.

You can’t shame yourself into change, you can only love yourself into evolution. You’re not broken; everything is just as it should be. It’s ok, things will be ok.

Remember your word for the year: PLAY. Create more! Make some gift baskets, bake that banana bread, and start your summer project. Be crazy in love with everything as always! The heart needs these things to go on! I’m so proud of you.

“We sing after the storm. We sing during it. We sing through the blizzard. We sing through the percussion of the hail. We sing through the lightning. We harmonize with the thunder.”

- Andrea Gibson, The Birds Wrote Me a Poem